The Book of Good Times
The Book of Good Times is the second book of the Tasty Bible, and the first official book in The Story, as relayed by the Slender One himselF. Content The Book of Good Times. 1''' 1."No, no, no, that's not at all how it happened!" the Great Greg thundered from atop his throne. His scribe cowered in fear below him. 2. The scribe replied, "But sire, this is how it has been written!", referencing the events of the Book of Greg. 3. "DON'T QUESTION ME, DAMMIT!" Greg bellowed, and Fus Ro Dah'd the scribe across the throne room into a doorway. 4. Greg possessed this ability for he was a Daedric prince blessed with the draconic tongue. 5. Greg called for a new scribe to be brought in, and commanded him to begin with the Real Story. 6. Before he began to write, though, the scribe looked up at Greg innocently and asked, "Dearest All-Father, I cannot help but wonder if God Himself should become angry because of our actions?" 7. "Nonsense!" Greg answered. "God is right over there!" 8. He pointed to a corner of the throne room, where God Himself sat playing checkers with his right-hand man, The Adversary. 9. God Himself had an intense expression upon His face, then made a move. 10. "King me," He said. 11. The Adversary became enraged and flipped over the checker board, flinging checkers every which way and causing God to chuckle. 12. "Now then," said Greg. "Let's get started." And this was the story which he told. '''2 1. Within the world of FoShizzle, located in the constellation the Cow's Udder, Gates and Boone formulated a plan to bring about Greg's downfall as revenge for their exile in oblivion. 2. They approached the Papa Bear once more, knowing him to be member of the mystical Greybeards (despite not in fact having a beard). 3. They did beseech unto him, "Oh, Papa Bear, teach us the ways of the dovahkiin, DRAGON-BORN." 4. Max, the holy fact-checker, came forth and said, "Gates, you have already received your one wish, in the form of a new face. You will force the Papa Bear into his FoDiety form, the Frankinator, should you ask for another wish." 5. "Into Papa Bear-Belly!" Papa Bear said excitedly. 6. Boone then said, "Check again, fact-checker! Only Gates has asked for a wish. I, however, have not." 7. The Papa Bear became angered that he had been bested by a simple walrus sniper, but gave in nonetheless. 8. "What is it you so desire," he said in an exasperated tone. 9. "Gimme everything you got in the way of the dovahkiin!" Boone said with barely contained glee. 10. Papa Bear waved his hand around and then muttered something under his breath. 11. "There's your freakin' wish. Now get out!" he yelled. 12. "Thank you for your gracious gifts, Papa Bear!" Boone and Gates said. 13. "Your mom!" Papa Bear replied, and literally kicked them both out with his left foot. 3''' 1. Gates and Boone left Papa Bear's temple and came upon a midnight clearing. 2. They went to a small pond where a family of ducks was residing. 3. Gates said, "We need to return to Shizzle in order to test the might of the Slender One!" 3. Boone saw his reflection in the water, and realized it was akin to looking in a mirror, darkly. 4. He then proceeded to take a deep breath, and shouted at the top of his lungs, "FUS RO DAH!" 5. Epic music began to play from out of nowhere, and the family of ducks was sent hurtling into the far east. 6. Gates looked at his friend in astonishment. 7. Boone then told Gates to jump into the water with him, and as they did so, Boone sent another Dragon Shout into the pond, opening up a portal leading into Shizzle. 8. Boone commented, "Even I didn't know I could do that!" 9. The two men then returned to their homeland hand-in-hand. '''4 1. While Greg was feasting on some week-old birthday cake from someone else's birthday, he began to detect a strange feeling. 2. He last remembered this feeling when he had destroyed the remnants of his old followers, the Backsmashers. 3. Someone had tried to use a Dragon Shout to smash Greg's back, but Greg had simply thrust out his Mighty Manos and sent the man careening down a cliff. 4. The Slender One pondered the feeling for a moment, but then brushed it off as simple gas. 5. Suddenly, two guards came to Greg, escorting a young woman. He recognized her as Aubrey "Unchaste" Chastain, a local whore. 6. Growing irritated by her very presence, Greg asked, "Why the hell is she here?" 7. One of the guards said, "She wished to consult your all-encompassing wisdom because of an important question." 8. Greg rolled his saucer-sized eyes. "Go for it," he said to her. 9. The Unchaste one stepped forward and asked, "Do they make walls at Wal-Mart?" 10. The AllFather's disgust reached a peak, and he grabbed the girl by the shirt and threw her up into the ceiling. When she fell back down, Greg kicked her straight off the 1sland. 11. "Someone's gonna get their ass kicked because of this!" he yelled to the high heavens. 12. The guards scattered like black men when the lights come on in a kitchen. 13. Greg resumed his nom nom noming of the cake in peace. 5''' 1. There was a prime minister, Matthias Reznov, whom was favored in Greg's eyes. 2. Greg and Matthias had known one another since the Destruction of Everthing, and had grown close as a result. 3. Greg saw Matthias as one of the more competent men serving in the holy court, and generally trusted his intellect and reasoning. 4. One day, whilst Greg was giving a thorough chew-out to a jester for "not being funny and stuffs", Matthias approached the Slender One and informed him that another prime minister, Whatch ya'Doin, was officially missing. 5. Whatch ya'Doin and Matthias had been compiling information about the world of Shizzle for the past several months, and the former had apparently never returned from his assignment out in the land of 'Nam. 6. This news disturbed Greg, for Whatch ya'Doin was only the latest of several nobles who had vanished while out in Da Wildaness. 7. Matthias had a theory as to why these people were disappearing. 8. He revealed unto Greg that a simple mortal, a Zimbabwean, had somehow amassed a great deal of power while in 'Nam, and that people were flocking to this man to worship him as a god. 9. Even worse, this man endorsed perverse sexual acts and had an unhealthy interest in a certain equine-related show. 10. Greg gasped in shock, then raised a fist in anger. 11. "How dare these infidels leave me, their belove-ed AllFather, for this bestial cretin! I'm gonna beat him to a bloody pulp, then I'll crush his face into the ground beneath my boot! Imma do things to him that'll make Satan himself get sick!" Greg shouted. 12. One of Greg's body guards leaned to another and whispered, "Seems like we're dealing with a bad-ass here." 13. "Bet your asses, you are!" Greg said. 14. Greg rose from his throne and continued ranting, only to find that a sharp pain was piercing his chest. 15. "Oh, my heart's shuttin' down!" he wailed. 16. Greg promptly descended to the floor, face-down, with a great crash. 17. "Gravity's really startin' to suck right now," the Slender One mumbled. "We're gonna kill that rat bastard Isaac Newton before we do anything about our Zimbabwean friend!" 18. After some hours when Greg arose once more, he and three other men, Matthias and two guards, saddled up on their horses of the apocalypse and road off into the sunset in pursuit of their quarry. '''6 1. Meanwhile, Gates and Boone were making their way to the 1sland when they came across a gathering of drunk, bearded men singing off-tune bards' tales. 2. Curious, the two friends went into the group and found an oasis of booze. 3. One of the men, slightly more sober than his counterparts, welcomed Gates and Boone, explaining to them that this was the Communion of Wine and Whatnot, in which the drunkest men from across the world came together to get wasted with merriment and vodka. 4. The group consisted of Irishmen, Scotsmen, Germans, and Russians, all partaking of the drink and sharing their native brews with one another. 5. Laughter permeated the area, and a general feeling of joy had taken hold of all present at the Communion, even Gates and the normally stoic Boone. 6. The newcomers decided it wouldn't hurt to have a little fun before continuing their trek. 7. A shit-faced Scotsman motioned them over a circle that had grown in the center of the mass. 8. "C'mon, lads, join us for a rendition of the Hava Nagila!" he called. 9. A German peered over and motioned as well. "Da! It vill be wunderbar!" 10. Boone and Gates joined in the circle, and began to dance with the happy crowd. 11. After a few drunkenly-sang Hebrew lyrics, the song morphed into "Vodka, we need some vodka!" and began anew. 12. A keg of the strong Russian drink was brought into the fold and placed in the circle. 13. Everyone, including Boone and Gates, took a swig of the distilled furniture polish. 14. After some more singing though, the heavily-intoxicated Boone began to have flashbacks of his time with Dinky the dinosaur. 15. He recalled stripping bare-ass naked and running up and down the dinosaur statue's throat, flinging his ejaculate everywhere much to the pleasure of the old woman in the grocery store down below him. 16. Boone became saddened once more at the loss of Dinky, and drank even more to drown out the memories. 17. He eventually felt happy again among Gates and their new-found drunkard friends, and every man gathered there that night partied until the virgin sunrise peeked over the crest of Mt. Fuji. Third Installment The Tale of Fear